To stay in Los Angeles proper now’s to know somebody who’s struggling. When you’re fortunate, your private home is unbroken and your evacuation bag remains to be ready by the door. Possibly you even have electrical energy. However likelihood is there’s somebody in your life — a member of the family, an in depth pal, a co-worker — whose home has been destroyed by the unimaginable and unprecedented wildfire occasion that has already altered (and remains to be altering) the truth of our metropolis.
For these of us with out supernatural social abilities, it’s troublesome to know how one can reply when somebody tells us their home has simply burned down. We yearn to assist, to supply assist, to supply consolation, however what verbal or texted response can probably be adequate within the face of such devastating loss?
“I’m so sorry”? “I’m here for you”? “I love you”? “Are you OK?”
In response to specialists in processing grief and trauma, the reply is there isn’t any proper reply. However a very powerful factor you are able to do is be courageous and attain out. Beginning with any of the statements above is all the time going to be higher than staying silent.
“Even one little statement like, “I’m here for you,” may also help an individual who has misplaced every part really feel much less helpless. It encourages hope and could possibly be step one to therapeutic.”
— Melissa Caliboso-Soto, assistant director of scientific applications on the USC Suzanne Dworak-Peck College of Social Work.
“There isn’t a right thing to say or a perfect thing to say, but a lot of times after really big grief and loss, people are so scared to say anything that they don’t say anything at all,” mentioned Claire Bidwell Smith, a therapist and grief skilled. “And that’s really not helpful.”
It might really feel trivial, however letting a pal, neighbor or co-worker reeling from a loss know you’re fascinated with them and wish to assist will be extraordinarily highly effective, mentioned Sarah Caliboso-Soto, assistant director of scientific applications on the USC Suzanne Dworak-Peck College of Social Work.
“It can provide a sense of support and relief that there are other people out there,” she mentioned. “Even one little statement like, ‘I’m here for you,’ can help a person who has lost everything feel less helpless. It encourages hope and could be the first step to healing.”
If you wish to go additional, you may ask how one can assist, mentioned Melissa Brymer, director of terrorism and catastrophe applications for UCLA’s nationwide heart for little one traumatic stress. “Many are going to be at a place where they don’t know yet, and you can say, ‘I get that, but I will be here for you as different needs come up.’”
To be proactive you may assume by what burden you may assist alleviate, she added. In case your pal has youngsters at school, you would possibly supply to take them to highschool together with your personal youngsters when lessons resume, or host a playdate at your home as soon as every week to alleviate some parenting strain. If the one you love has a pet, you may supply to choose up pet meals so that they don’t need to. “Think about things that could ease any additional stressors, especially as they are navigating the things they are going through right now,” Brymer mentioned.
Brymer additionally had some ideas to share on what to not say. Particularly, asking somebody how they’re feeling or how they’re doing might come off as insensitive, even when what you’re making an attempt to do comes from a very good place of eager to examine in.
“You might get a response like, ‘How do you think I’m feeling, don’t you know what I’ve been through?’” she mentioned.
A greater possibility is to ask a extra particular query like, “How is it going today?” or “How is it going right now?’
“People who have lost so much may not know how they are feeling, but when you break it down, it allows them to focus on the pieces they are ready to talk about,” she mentioned.
Bidwell Smith warned towards the inclination to be too encouraging or optimistic with somebody experiencing overwhelming loss. “Telling someone to look on the bright side or saying, ‘At least you have this,’ invalidates people’s grieving process, and people need to grieve,” she mentioned. “It comes from a place of wanting people to feel better, but we have to be really careful not to use toxic positivity.”
And at last, simply do not forget that it’s OK if it’s awkward or in the event you don’t know what to say.
“You can even say, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here, I love you and I’m thinking about you,’” Bidwell Smith mentioned.