The primary time I ever drove on the freeway was to inform my girlfriend that I cherished her. At this level, I had lived in L.A. for 4 years. “You can’t not drive in L.A.,” everybody stated once I moved right here. However I labored from house and lived comparatively near most of my mates. I had Lyft and Uber, a TAP card and a borderline unhinged love of strolling. My excuse was that I didn’t have a automotive and couldn’t afford to purchase one, which wasn’t a lie. However the true cause was I used to be terrified of driving and I had determined to succumb to that concern.
I wasn’t all the time an anxious driver. Rising up in Massachusetts, I acquired my license at 16 and cruised round in my grandma’s 1979 Peugeot that had one working door and wouldn’t have handed a security inspection. However I felt invincible. Then I grew right into a neurotic grownup with an ever-growing record of rational and irrational fears — from bizarre complications and mould to operating into informal acquaintances on the grocery retailer.
In my early 30s, I developed a horrible phobia of flying. “It’s so much safer than driving in a car!” individuals stated to consolation me. So I did some analysis. This didn’t assuage my concern of flying, but it surely did reach making me additionally afraid of driving. I lived in New York Metropolis on the time, the place being a nondriver was straightforward. In L.A., it was much less straightforward, however I made it work.
Once I was single, I appreciated that courting apps let me kind potential matches by location. I set my restrict to “within five miles” from my condominium in West Hollywood and tried to manifest a perfect accomplice who would stay inside this completely affordable radius. This proved considerably sophisticated. My first boyfriend in L.A. moved from Los Feliz to Eagle Rock six months into our relationship, and we broke up. There have been different points, however the distance was the ultimate straw.
I did ultimately get a automotive however was restricted by my intense concern of the large, sprawling conduits of chaos often known as the L.A. freeways. Lanes come and go. Exits seem out of nowhere. And everybody drives like they’re auditioning for “The Fast and the Furious.” So I took floor streets all over the place, even when it doubled my driving time. I grew to become fairly snug behind the wheel so long as I remained in my little bubble of security. Then I fell in love.
Spencer and I met 14 years in the past by way of a detailed mutual good friend after we each lived in Brooklyn. Our good friend had talked her up a lot that I used to be nervous to satisfy her as if she have been a celeb, however she instantly made me really feel comfy. She’s assured and comfy in her pores and skin but in addition exudes a heat that makes individuals really feel safe. On the time, I used to be newly sober, and feeling snug — particularly round somebody I’d simply met — was uncommon.
Not lengthy after we met she moved to Philly, and our lives went in numerous instructions. She was beginning med college. I used to be writing for an habit web site and doing stand-up comedy. She was dwelling together with her long-term girlfriend. I used to be attempting up to now essentially the most emotionally unavailable individuals I may discover, which my therapist (and each self-help e book in Barnes & Noble) attributed to a concern of intimacy.
A decade later, we each ended up in Los Angeles. She had damaged up together with her girlfriend and was a resident at UCLA. I used to be taking screenwriting lessons and strolling all over the place. We texted a number of occasions to hang around, however then the COVID-19 pandemic hit, protecting her busy within the hospital and me busy at house spraying my groceries with Clorox. A number of vaccines later, we lastly met up on the AMC theater on the Century Metropolis mall. Simply as I remembered, she felt like house.
Over the following few months, we went to about 9 motion pictures collectively, our palms often touching in a shared bucket of popcorn, earlier than I lastly acquired the braveness to inform her I had developed emotions for her. We’d turn out to be shut mates at this level, and the stakes felt alarmingly excessive. Additionally, she was emotionally obtainable. Uncharted territory for me.
“I like like you,” I stated one night time whereas we have been on my sofa watching “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” My voice was shaking and in addition muffled, as a result of I used to be hiding beneath a blanket.
This confession was one of many scariest issues I’ve ever performed, and I’ve performed a variety of scary issues — gotten sober, did stand-up in entrance of my total household (don’t suggest this), come out as queer to a bunch of conservative Midwesterners on a study-abroad journey (one woman took a selfie with me and despatched it to her mother with the observe, “I met a bisexual and she’s really nice!”). However I discovered in restoration that typically when one thing is horrifying, we are supposed to run towards it quite than away from it. That night time, Spencer pulled the blanket off my head and advised me she felt the identical.
This lovely, assured “Curb”-loving physician did have one pink flag. She lived in Santa Monica, on the finish of a six-mile stretch on the ten Freeway. On facet streets, getting from my condominium to hers may take as much as an hour or longer in site visitors. After a number of months, we have been seeing one another so typically that the commute had turn out to be unmanageable.
Additionally unmanageable have been my emotions. One night time, about 4 months into our relationship, I advised two shut mates that I cherished Spencer however was scared to inform her. The absence of those phrases had turn out to be a weight between us, triggering insecurities and petty fights. My mates urged me to inform her and thought I ought to do it that night time (we’d been watching “Yellowjackets” and have been feeling a little bit dramatic). I felt emboldened. Nevertheless it was 10 p.m. on a piece night time and it could take 45 minutes to get to her home by my traditional route.
I referred to as her. “I’m coming over!” I stated. Twenty minutes later, I used to be merging onto the ten. I drove too slowly, acquired off on the mistaken exit and gripped the steering wheel so exhausting my fingers went numb. However once I acquired to Spencer’s condominium, I used to be bolstered by adrenaline and the frenzy of getting conquered my concern. I had pushed on the ten — at night time. I may survive something. I advised her I cherished her. She stated it again. I didn’t even cover beneath a blanket.
This was two years in the past. Since then, I’ve pushed on the ten a whole bunch of occasions between Spencer’s condominium and mine. Now we stay collectively, which considerably cuts down on the commute. I nonetheless choose a facet avenue, however I’ll take the freeway if I’ve to. Since mastering the ten, I’ve additionally braved the 5 Freeway, the 101 Freeway and even the 405 Freeway. Spencer all the time tells me I’m “brave.” I’m beginning to consider her.
