In November of 2020, I went on my first mushroom journey.
I selected the date arbitrarily, finally touchdown on Black Friday due to the poetic ring to it, a wink to the “hero’s dose” I deliberate on taking — sufficient to conjure an “ego death,” a short lived pause from the often scheduled thoughts loops and tensions. I waited for a day away from any commitments, which in the course of COVID wasn’t exhausting to search out.
The journey lasted about six hours, virtually exactly the size of the Johns Hopkins playlist I had discovered on Spotify to accompany me by means of the twists and turns. And there have been twists and turns. When my consciousness lastly floated again to the chimney that was my physique, I walked exterior to observe the mushy, peach sundown as Louis Armstrong crooned from moveable audio system, serenading me out of the psilocybin’s remaining moments. I didn’t comprehend it then, however I used to be in the course of greater than only one ending — my Saturn Return was additionally coming to a detailed.
I used to be 31, dwelling by means of an undoubtedly disorienting collective second, and there was additionally recalibration occurring on a extra private scale inside. The years prior had been fraught with anger over Trump’s election, which in the end fueled my detangling from Christianity, the idea system during which I used to be raised. I felt the distinct ache of being extra distant from my dad and mom, whom I nonetheless liked, because the hole in our views was widening. I used to be venturing past the place I had at all times belonged, strolling the lonely path of differentiation — unmoored and not sure of the place it would take me. I sensed a deeper self eager to emerge, however nonetheless felt torn between two worlds; I knew what I used to be leaving however not but the place I used to be headed. I feared that altering would possibly imply shedding the folks I liked, a really actual danger I noticed taking part in out round me. With the mushroom journey, it’s like my psyche had been in search of some type of cosmic consolation, to assist me flip the web page.
I don’t keep in mind after I first heard the phrase “Saturn Return,” however I do keep in mind being instantly intrigued. My understanding of it was a sluggish burn, fairly the alternative of the recent and heavy conversion experiences I used to be aware of, having grown up Christian in Texas. Astrology had by no means been one thing on my inner dashboard, an unopened Rand McNally buried within the backseat. I grew up viewing astrology as not solely unserious, but additionally a grave signal of misplaced belief, as prayer and Scripture had been the one steering one ought to ever want. Wanting past these guideposts meant flirting with hazard — vulnerable to turning into untethered and misplaced.
However the extra I realized about Saturn Return — the concept that between the ages of 27 to 31 one moved by means of some distinct portal to maturity — the extra I felt a deep resonance and aid: lastly, a coming-of-age framework that didn’t start in a single’s teenagers or early 20s, exhausted plotlines that made me really feel behind, like I had missed one thing. The Saturn Return framework was a comforting thought: that there was some type of cosmic power supporting the rising self, on a timeline that matched my very own life’s extra intently.
And now Saturn Return appears to be popping off all over the place, or not less than among the many pop girlies. From Adele’s Saturn tattoo on her proper forearm to Ariana Grande’s “Saturn Returns Interlude” (during which astrologer Diana Garland describes it because the time to “wake up!”) to Sza’s “Saturn” — the idea is orbiting the zeitgeist. “My Saturn has returned / When I turned 27 everything started to change,” Kacey Musgraves sings on “Deeper Well,” the title monitor of her new album, launched earlier this yr. On the Kia Discussion board in October, I watched Musgraves play an acoustic set beneath a hovering Saturn set up.
Kacey Musgraves performs an acoustic set beneath a hovering Saturn set up.
(Jasmine Safaeian)
However even for its heightening visibility in popular culture, the time period continues to be considerably nebulous — evoking a variety from curiosity to dread. There’s nonetheless this sense that we’re in a sport of phone about its which means. What’s it, and why Saturn? Is it one thing to brace oneself for or stay up for? And what precisely is meant to be taking place?
Chani Nicholas, some of the distinguished astrologers at the moment at work and founding father of the CHANI app, interprets the cosmos into accessible language. The app, which launched in 2020 and now has over 1 million downloads, consists of assets like personalised delivery chart readings, guided meditations, journal prompts and weekly astrological forecasts, which Chani playfully narrates herself. I’ve been following Chani’s work since studying her 2020 New York Instances bestseller “You Were Born for This,” so attending to carry her my Saturn Return questions felt like getting nearer to the start line within the phone circle.
“Saturn is all about age and … coming up against authority — boundaries and authorship,” Chani, who has lived in Los Angeles on and off since 2005, says over Zoom in her signature clear-rimmed frames. “Saturn’s always trying to get you to take responsibility and accountability for where you are and what you’re doing.”
She explains how Saturn strikes in phases — much like the moon, but on a distinct timetable. Each seven years Saturn strikes 90 levels farther alongside in its orbit from the place it was within the sky whenever you had been born. So by the point you’re nearing 30, Saturn “returns” to the place it began in your delivery chart, finishing its first full rotation across the solar. If we’re fortunate, we’ll expertise three Saturn Returns in our lifetimes: the primary once we’re nearing 30 years outdated, the second taking place round 60, and the final round 90 — every one sparking an initiation into a brand new life part.
Throughout her personal Saturn Return, Chani packed up her life in Toronto and moved to Los Angeles “with no car, no friends or contacts, and only $1,500” in her pocket. “All I had was a dream and a need to prove to myself that I could do something challenging,” she says. “I needed space and time to find myself, and distance from everything that had defined me.”
Chani refers to Saturn as “a threshold deity” as a result of, for 1000’s of years in historical astrology, it was the final planet we may see and not using a telescope. “It was what we thought was the last planet out there, the boundary of our known understanding of the cosmos,” she says. As a result of Saturn was so dim, in addition to to this point and sluggish, it had “this heft and heaviness,” and have become identified in conventional astrology because the Larger Malefic, a planet of exhausting issues.
“It’s not easy, breezy, light, kind or friendly,” Chani explains. “Saturn will always be like, ‘Here’s the bill. Here’s the reality check.’ But if you understand and work with your Saturn, then you’re going to be the one who knows how to be responsible, reliable, consistent and boundaried. If you’ve ever met someone who’s powerful in any way, shape, or form — they have exceptional boundaries.”
I ask about this pervasive concept that Saturn Returns are one thing to buckle up for — are they inherently disruptive? Chani shakes her head, desperate to weigh in: “Disruption is not a part of Saturn Return; however, your cohort and the cohort younger than you — so we’re talking millennials and Gen Z — most of you have this thing where you have Saturn and the planet Uranus, the planet of disruption, together.” In Chani’s view, this deceptive conflation of Saturn and disruption has turn into mainstream as a result of millennials and Gen Z drive the dialog on the web. However this taste of disruption is exclusive to us — and never essentially Saturn’s signature.
To find out the timing, texture and themes of your Saturn Return, you must know what zodiac signal Saturn was in whenever you had been born, which you’ll find within the CHANI app (in my case it was Capricorn). You additionally need to take a look at the home the place Saturn is stationed in your chart, the planets round Saturn in your chart, and what time of day you had been born. (Supposedly if you happen to had been born in the course of the day, your Saturn Return simply is perhaps a little bit simpler.)
The Saturn Return framework was a comforting thought: that there was some type of cosmic power supporting the rising self, on a timeline that matched my very own life’s extra intently.
After sending Chani my delivery time, place and date, she tells me that my Saturn is stationed within the seventh home of dedicated partnerships and relationships. (In her e-book, Chani explains homes as “the sets where the planets’ stories are lived out.”) So in my case, the shifts, tensions and “growth edges” of my Saturn Return performed out within the realm of my shut relationships.
“Another big thing about Saturn Returns is that it’s one of the first times that we need to psychologically stand on our own apart from our origins,” Chani says. “There’s this thing around the age of 30 where we’re like, ‘time is limited. … If I’m going to take responsibility for my life, I’m going to have to disappoint people.’ That’s the boundary, the separation, in a way.”
In these preliminary steps of self-definition, deconstructing the political and spiritual maps I’d grown up with, I had feared my dad and mom’ disappointment. Self-authorship felt dangerous as a result of I assumed I may need to forfeit connection. What got here to the floor throughout my Saturn Return was a street map to the work I’d have to do, the inside belonging I’d want to search out, if I needed my life to be mine.
Our Saturn stays in the identical home in our chart over the course of our lives, which suggests we are able to anticipate the identical themes to resurface and “rhyme” in our future Returns. However what’s going to hopefully make every one really feel totally different, Chani suggests, is perspective. If we’ve been integrating Saturn’s classes, we’ll have some knowledge to share.
“When I was growing up / We had what we needed, shoes on our feet / But the world was as flat as a plate / And that’s okay / The things I was taught only took me so far / Had to figure the rest out myself / And then I found a deeper well.”
All through her Saturn-coded album, Musgraves is remembering, saying goodbye to, and in the end thanking the issues she’s outgrown: misaligned relationships, dangerous habits, outdated beliefs. And in that clearing, there’s a deeper exhale into herself: an existential sobriety and consciousness of time passing, making the whole lot glisten in a brand new gentle.
With a ways from Saturn’s crucible, there’s the hope of alchemizing our discoveries right into a extra congruent self.
It’s been virtually seven years now since my Saturn Return started, so I’m approaching a part Chani explains because the “First Quarter Square” — once we get a glimpse of the seeds we began planting in the course of the “inception point” of these preliminary Return years. By the point you’re studying this, I’ll most probably be in mattress nursing a new child, due early December. The tangible sprouting of a shift that I hint again to my Saturn Return.
Throughout my 2020 mushroom journey, I had the very clear feeling {that a} soul needed to come back by means of me. As I had been preoccupied with existential questions like turn into myself, this flicker of readability confused and stunned me. On paper, in line with the cultural scripts I had ingested, motherhood was the Final Menace to the self I had been working so exhausting to search out, not to mention safe. However that obtain grew to become a quiet anchor I’d return to, a imaginative and prescient that reached past my analytical thoughts — a dare to my rational fears. One thing dim and unknowable appeared to be asking me to belief it. I made a decision to.
I don’t know what motherhood will really really feel like, in fact, because it’s felt principally conceptual even throughout being pregnant. However from what I could make of it to this point, it appears to be the last word paradox: the world concurrently contracted to its most intimate, atomic kind, and the explosion of a completely new universe. It’s a path that my Saturn Return ready me for, a lesson that’s solely now coming into focus: that maybe the self can really blossom, fairly than wilt, within the containers we select and writer for ourselves. What issues is who’s doing the writing.
After which there are the components we’d by no means select to put in writing ourselves: I by no means imagined I’d be bringing a child into the world amidst a second Trump presidency, a darkish rhyme that’s catapulted me again into an uncanny loop of my Saturn Return years. Maybe essentially the most I can do that time round is carry a extra fortified self to the second. To repurpose my disorientation and anger into one thing extra actionable, strong and agency.
As Chani places it, this appears to be the reward of Saturn’s invitation to self-authorship: “a sense of your own internal bone structure.”
Simply once we attain the sting of what we are able to make out with the bare eye, one other dimension of self seems. One other new threshold, inviting us to cross by means of, once more.
Rebekah Pahl is a author dwelling in Los Angeles. She’s pursuing an MFA from Bennington Writing Seminars and dealing on an essay assortment exploring shifts in self throughout her Saturn Return.