The July 4, 2025, floods in Kerr County, Texas, swept away youngsters and full households, leaving horror of their wake. Days later, flash floods struck Ruidoso, New Mexico, killing three individuals, together with two younger youngsters.
These aren’t simply devastating losses. When loss of life is sudden, violent, or when a physique is rarely recovered, grief will get twisted up with trauma.
In these conditions, individuals don’t solely grieve the loss of life. They wrestle with the phobia of the way it occurred, the unanswered questions and the shock etched into their our bodies.
I’m a social work professor, grief researcher and the founding father of The Younger Widowhood Venture, a analysis initiative geared toward increasing scholarship and public understanding of untimely spousal loss.
I used to be widowed once I was 36. In July 2020, my husband, Brent, went lacking after testing a small, flat-bottomed fishing boat known as a Jon boat. His physique was recovered two days later, however I by no means noticed his stays.
Each my private loss {and professional} work have proven me how trauma modifications the grieving course of and what sort of assist really helps.
To know how trauma can complicate grief, it’s essential to first perceive how individuals usually reply to loss.
Grief isn’t a set of levels
Many individuals nonetheless consider grief by means of the lens of psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ 5 levels of grief, popularized within the early Nineteen Seventies: denial, anger, bargaining, despair and acceptance.
However in reality, this mannequin was initially designed for individuals dealing with their very own deaths, not for mourners. Within the absence of accessible grief analysis within the Nineteen Sixties, it grew to become a number one framework for understanding the grieving course of – despite the fact that it wasn’t meant for that.
Regardless of this misapplication, the levels mannequin has formed cultural expectations: specifically, that grief ends as soon as individuals attain the “acceptance” stage. However analysis doesn’t assist this concept. Making an attempt to drive grief into this mannequin could cause actual hurt, leaving mourners feeling they’re grieving “wrong.”
In actuality, mourning is commonly lifelong. Most individuals undergo an acute interval of overwhelming ache proper after the loss. That is often adopted by built-in grief, the place the ache softens however the loss continues to be a part of on a regular basis life, returning in waves.
Though grief is exclusive to every individual and relationship, researchers have discovered that mourners usually attempt to a) make sense of the loss of life; b) modify to a world with out their beloved one; c) type an ongoing reference to their deceased beloved one in new methods; and d) determine who they’re with out their beloved one.
It’s tough and at instances disorienting work, however most individuals discover methods to hold their grief and preserve dwelling.
Julia Mora embraces her granddaughter, Isla Meyer, throughout a vigil for Texas flood victims on July 11, 2025.
AP Picture/Gerald Herbert
When grief and trauma collide
Nevertheless, some losses carry an additional layer of ache, confusion and trauma.
Sudden, sudden, unintended, violent or deeply tragic deaths – like these skilled in the course of the current floods – can result in what researchers name traumatic bereavement: grief that’s disrupted by the traumatic nature of the loss of life.
Individuals experiencing traumatic bereavement usually endure an extended and extra intense acute grief interval. They could be haunted by disturbing pictures, nightmares or relentless ideas about how their beloved one died or suffered. Many wrestle with dread, religious disorientation and a shattered sense of security on this planet.
A few of these deaths are additionally thought of “ambiguous” – unclear or unconfirmed loss – resembling when a physique is rarely recovered or is simply too broken to view. With out bodily affirmation, mourners usually really feel caught in disbelief and helplessness.
This was true in my case. Not seeing my husband’s physique left part of me suspended between realizing and never realizing. I knew he had died however couldn’t absolutely imagine it, regardless of how a lot I lived with the truth of his absence. For a very long time, I caught myself repeating these phrases each morning: “Brent is dead. Brent is dead.”
In lots of circumstances, these reactions aren’t brief time period. Many individuals affected by traumatic loss stay overwhelmed and generally bodily and emotionally impaired for years. Signs might taper over time, however they not often disappear totally.
Supporting mourners
Traumatic bereavement can really feel insufferable. Many mourners wrestle with intense, long-lasting reactions that may depart them feeling helpless, altered and even unrecognizable to themselves. They could seem withdrawn, forgetful or emotionally drained as a result of their techniques are overwhelmed. Coping can look messy or self-destructive, however these are sometimes survival methods, not aware selections. I’ve additionally seen how those self same struggles turn into extra survivable when mourners don’t have to hold them alone. When you’re supporting somebody by means of traumatic loss, listed here are 3 ways to assist.
Make house for the horror. Hear with out flinching. Acknowledge the complete weight of what occurred and the way terrifying and unjust the loss was. This implies saying issues like, “This should never have happened,” or “What you went through is beyond words.” It means staying current when the mourner speaks about what haunts them. Allow them to know they don’t have to hold this alone. It’s possible you’ll really feel the urge to say one thing hopeful resembling, “At least the body was recovered,” however there isn’t a silver lining in these circumstances. As an alternative, say: “There’s nothing I can say to fix this, but I’m not going anywhere.”
Assist them discover others who can perceive. Trauma might be isolating. Mourners usually really feel uniquely overwhelmed or confused. Help teams, peer companions and therapists skilled in treating grief and trauma can provide the form of recognition and validation that even probably the most devoted pal might not have the ability to present.
Deal with your self, too. Being current for somebody in deep grief takes vitality, particularly in case you have been personally affected by the loss. Keep linked to replenishing individuals, practices and routines. When you don’t, you might start to expertise trauma, too. Caring for your self will enable you stay grounded as a way to present up.
I imagine supporting somebody by means of traumatic bereavement is without doubt one of the most significant issues you are able to do. You don’t want good phrases or a plan. What sustains them gained’t be recommendation or options, however your easy, highly effective act of staying.
