Experts debate the future of ‘mental toughness’ in child-rearing

Second of two parts

Mental health experts are divided over the concept of mental toughness — bearing down on one’s performance in the face of adversity — as an ideal for raising children, with some pushing to resurrect the term and others clamoring to bury it permanently.

In recent years, experts ranging from sports psychologists to military drill instructors have quietly stopped using the term, saying it reinforces a harsh self-image that pushes people to ignore pain and causes emotional breakdowns.

Others say mental toughness has been unfairly blamed for surging rates of anxiety, depression and suicide risks among young people.

“I have a family full of [military] veterans and I can say ‘mental toughness’ generally means ‘keep it all inside and show no weakness,’” Amanda Bacon-Davis, the author of an award-winning children’s book and mother of a daughter with severe anxiety, told The Washington Times. “And that’s a reason the suicide rate among vets is so high.”

“Mental toughness is a requirement in today’s culture due to the dark lures of technology facing our children today,” said Laine Lawson Craft, a Florida-based Christian parenting expert and author. “Collectively we can join hearts for today’s children and decide to provide them with more moral support and more spiritual guidance countering today’s evil culture.”

Ms. Craft supports returning to the idea of mental toughness in child-rearing. She says growing numbers of one-parent households, unmarried parents and “latchkey kids” who walk into empty homes after school each day have eroded the foundations that taught past generations to endure routine stress.

Others interviewed by The Times said the practice of mental toughness has never gone away, despite psychologists shunning the term.

“I don’t see mental toughness as something to bring back [because] it has always been there,” said Andrew Colsky, a licensed counselor who provides telehealth anxiety and trauma services in Virginia and Florida. “In my opinion, when a child grows up in a household with loving, authoritative parents, they learn the key attributes of analytical thought.”

Redefining toughness

While there is no single definition of “mental toughness,” some experts point to positive characteristics traditionally valued by competitive athletes. Those traits include analytical thinking, emotional resilience and the ability to persevere through difficult situations without resorting to coping mechanisms such as drug or alcohol abuse.

“In sports, mental toughness has to do with self-regulation, the ability to control your emotions, thoughts and actions and keep those in line with your goals,” said Mariska van Sprundel, a Dutch science writer specializing in running and exercise. “One thing we know about going for a run is that it makes people feel better afterwards. That’s why it’s also used as therapy for people with mild depressive symptoms, stress and other psychological problems.”

Others prefer alternative phrases because they say “mental toughness” tells young people to just “suck it up.” They said this message feeds unhealthy tendencies toward perfectionism, depression, anxiety and suicide.

Ms. Bacon-Davis, the children’s book author, said the phrases “mental resilience” and “mental health” do a better job of communicating a state of “overall well-being when generally you feel at peace” and able to accomplish daily tasks.

“I think what we should be working towards as a society, as adults, and with our children, is resilience,” she added. “Mental resilience doesn’t mean, ‘suck it up and deal with it.’ It means you have coping strategies so when something happens that upsets you, you know how to keep yourself regulated and safe.”

Coming to terms

According to most therapists, it’s possible to have both mental health and mental toughness without losing the benefit of either. But they debate whether the term “mental toughness” can be rescued from the unhealthy popular interpretations of the past.

Mental Toughness Partners, an international network of emotional resilience coaches and counselors based in Australia, says it’s possible to employ the concept without its historical baggage.

Peter Clough and Doug Strycharczyk, two leading figures in the network, have defined mental toughness as “the personality trait which determines in large part how people deal effectively with challenges, stressors and pressure … irrespective of circumstances.”

“Mental toughness and mental health are not competing terms,” Mr. Clough told The Times. “They are independent psychological constructs that are positively related to one another.”

Mental toughness has lost ground partly because many parents no longer teach personal accountability and self-control or practice it themselves, said Joshua Goldman, a licensed therapist at Grow Therapy, a national telehealth network.

“I do think part of the issue today is in line with ‘cancel culture,’ which is to point blame at someone else for how something makes us feel instead of being personally accountable to how we mentally or emotionally react and respond to others,” Mr. Goldman said.

Experts say community initiatives that let parents and children spend quality time with role models could help restore the value of mental toughness at a time when most Americans have gone soft.

Mr. Colsky, whose Center for Professional Counseling treats clinical anxiety and panic attacks with live-streamed talk therapy, said he could describe few American parents today as “too strict.”

He said that makes it all the more important to help children accept the ordinary stress of chores, schoolwork, consistent rules, punishment and the lessons of routine failures — an essential skill they need to mature and thrive.

“Too many times I see the situation where a child is allowed to openly use marijuana at home while sitting in their room and playing video games for hours on end,” Mr. Colsky said. “They lose their true friends, begin failing in school mostly for lack of trying and exhibit low motivation. The parents are completely permissive and simply want to be their child’s best friend.”

‘Biles II’

Ultimately, therapists say young people need the sensitivity of mental health to process deeper pain and the insensitivity of mental toughness to push through more superficial unpleasantness. And they point to U.S. champion gymnast Simone Biles as an example of the need to re-engage with life’s challenges after pulling back to take a breath.

In 2021, Biles took a mental health break from gymnastics after developing the “twisties,” or a loss of focus, during a vault at the Tokyo Summer Olympic team finals. This summer, she returned to dominate the sport.

On Oct. 1 at the World Championships in Belgium, Ms. Biles made history as the first woman to complete a Yurchenko double pike vault in a major international competition — nailing two back flips off the springboard in a straight-legged position.

Honoring her accomplishment, officials renamed this skill the “Biles II” in the International Gymnastics Federation Code of Points.

Such willingness to overcome obstacles is “an essential capacity” for young people “dealing with life’s challenges,” according to Katherine C. Cowan, a spokeswoman for the National Association of School Psychologists in Bethesda, Maryland.

She noted that helping children face ordinary setbacks differs from the need to protect them from extreme long-term traumas such as abuse, neglect, substance addiction, family problems, housing or food instability, violence, loss and grief.